To Control Emotions, We Must First Feel Them
What comes to mind when we say emotional control? When we feel an emotion, it is our nature sending signals about what is happening in our inner world. Ignoring, dissociating from, or suppressing these signals leads to their accumulation and eventual outburst—something people often mistake for control.
Controlling our emotions does not mean pushing them aside and focusing only on positive things, as is often advised. While this might bring short-term relief and serve as a temporary escape, in the long run, it can have negative effects. Emotional control does not mean avoiding, ignoring, or repressing emotions—it means having the ability to acknowledge, feel, and accept them while still choosing how to respond.
Why Do We Avoid Feeling Our Emotions?
Many of us have fallen into this pattern at some point in our lives and never questioned it because it became our way of functioning. We likely learned it when we were very young—when our emotions were not met with the responses we needed. We may have received messages that we shouldn’t feel emotions, that they are overwhelming, excessive, inconvenient, annoying, or inappropriate.
Perhaps we were told not to cry or get angry, or maybe we were punished—physically or verbally—for expressing emotions. In some cases, emotional manipulation may have played a role. When we don’t receive the emotional validation we need, the “punishment” for expressing emotions can feel too great, leading us to suppress that part of ourselves.
Over time, we may even develop fear of emotions, believing they are too much to handle. Often, we don’t consciously remember when we learned to suppress every “undesirable” feeling—but paradoxically, when emotions are truly felt, they don’t stay with us for long.
At some point, suppressing emotions may have served us—it might have been our easiest way to cope when we lacked the support to process them. But now, as adults, we have the power to change this pattern, expand our emotional capacity, and learn new ways of dealing with our feelings.
In reality, the discomfort of fear, sadness, or anger is much smaller than the distress caused by depression, anxiety, rage, or panic that arises from avoiding emotions. When we suppress what troubles us, we might not even recognize what is actually affecting us.
What Does It Mean to Feel Emotions?
We often think we don’t know how to feel emotions or mistake thinking about emotions for actually experiencing them. Sometimes, instead of connecting with our emotions, we just analyze them. True emotional control means raising awareness and allowing emotions to exist—accepting them and being with them.
Control means living with our emotions in the present moment and fully experiencing them. Emotions act as our internal navigation system—our compass. When we allow ourselves to feel, we give ourselves the opportunity to process emotions and understand their root cause. This enables us to make more conscious decisions and react in ways that align with our true needs and values.
How to Start? The first step is to become aware of our emotions by asking ourselves: What is this sensation in my body? Where do I feel it? What triggered this emotional intensity? When was my boundary crossed? Can I identify this emotion—is it just one, or a mix of different feelings? Can I name my emotions, or do I need a reference list to better understand them?
To successfully regulate emotions, we need to be present in the moment and connected with our inner world. Various techniques can help with this, such as deep breathing, meditation, or keeping an emotions journal. It is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves the time and space to reconnect with our feelings.
If you find this process challenging, feel free to reach out and schedule a conversation—I am here to support you on this journey.