Perfectionism: How Do We Accept Imperfection?
How do you react when you don’t complete a task well enough or don’t handle a situation as best as you could? Sometimes, we criticize and blame ourselves, feel ashamed, or convince ourselves that we’ll never succeed, that it’s not even worth trying. If you recognize yourself in this, that’s actually a good thing—awareness is the first step, and it is crucial for change. Sometimes, admitting and accepting that we made a mistake is difficult. What arises within us when we have to acknowledge our mistakes? How does it affect our sense of self? If we struggle with this, it is likely that we also have difficulty taking responsibility for our decisions, actions, and lives. This is because acknowledging our imperfections might, in our minds, equate to believing that we, as a whole, are flawed, worthless, unimportant, or not enough. This can significantly affect our functioning and many of the decisions we make—decisions that are often aimed at avoiding rejection and securing validation from others.
We have learned that people disapprove when we don’t excel, and we have internalized that narrative. This is now how we speak to ourselves. If we were told—explicitly or implicitly—that we were careless, irresponsible, weak, or incapable, or if someone close to us reacted with disappointment, sadness, anger, mockery, or insults, it’s not surprising that we adopted the same language in our inner dialogue. However, just because we believe something about ourselves doesn’t make it true. It only means that we have internalized these messages and turned them into self-talk. Let’s ask ourselves: how else could we respond to these situations? How can we be gentle with ourselves? How can we set more realistic goals and remind ourselves that learning is full of challenges and that mistakes—if they even exist—are an essential part of the process? Mistakes are simply experiences that teach us.
Identifying with “Failure”
For a perfectionist, failure is often defined as anything that is not excellent. The bar is set incredibly high, making these standards nearly impossible to achieve. If we see ourselves as perfectionists, that simply means we are striving for perfection and setting extremely high expectations for ourselves. Often, this is a way to shield ourselves from feelings of insecurity or fear of failure. Perfectionists believe that if everything is flawless, they will avoid criticism and judgment. However, perfectionism also leads to stress and anxiety due to the constant pressure to meet unattainable standards and the inability to accept slowing down. This defensive mechanism actually hinders personal growth—the fear of making mistakes prevents us from learning and evolving. It stops us from supporting ourselves when we don’t meet our own impossibly high expectations.
Constantly worrying about whether we will disappoint someone (or ourselves) diminishes our ability to find joy in our achievements. Even when perfectionists accomplish something, they rarely feel deep satisfaction—they immediately shift their focus to the next big goal, taking their past successes for granted. But what came first—the lack of self-esteem or the self-criticism? It’s a vicious cycle that won’t end unless we stop identifying ourselves with our failures (with anything less than perfection) and stop allowing them to dictate our daily functioning and sense of self-worth.
Are We Our Failures, or Are They Just Part of Our Experience?
We are whole beings who can do something brilliantly one day and less brilliantly the next. That doesn’t mean we are worth less—it means we are human. Just as we can be both kind and unkind, selfish and generous, successful and faced with setbacks, we are not defined by a single trait or outcome. We are always both—never just one or the other. We don’t have to do everything perfectly—doing things well enough is enough. The real question is: how can we be gentle with ourselves even when we are not satisfied with what we have done?
Self-love is a daily practice. One way to cultivate it is by changing the way we talk to ourselves—and how we speak about ourselves in front of others. If you need support on this journey, feel free to reach out and schedule a conversation.