People Pleasing VS Setting Boundaries
A people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to satisfy others, and meet their expectations, desires, and needs while placing them above their own. But how does this manifest? For example, people pleasers may excessively approve of others’ opinions or actions, struggle with conflicts, and frequently agree with others just to avoid their displeasure. They often take on responsibilities to make others happy, as failing to do so can leave them feeling guilty. People pleasers have difficulty setting boundaries, and even when they do, these boundaries are usually weak.
They struggle to say no because they fear disappointing or being rejected by others. As a result, they often experience anxiety and insecurity, seeking approval and validation for their actions. Their goal is to be seen, to feel accepted and valued, and to earn love from those around them. Do you see yourself in these descriptions, or does this remind you of someone close to you? I will explain where this pattern comes from and what steps can be taken to break free from it.
Where Did We Learn the People-Pleasing Pattern?
This pattern was most likely learned in childhood, within our primary family or the environment in which we grew up. Our parents did their best, but even the best intentions can leave significant imprints on our behavioral patterns.
For example, if our parents or other family members were demanding and had high expectations of us—or expectations that were inappropriate for our age at the time—we may have learned to meet those expectations in order to receive their love. If we were expected to be a “good child”—meaning we had to satisfy our parents’ needs in the way they wanted—this often meant suppressing our own feelings and desires from an early age. Additionally, being raised through fear, threats, or physical punishment could have negatively impacted our development and perception of the world.
If we were frequently punished for expressing our own opinions, emotions, and desires, we may have learned that it is safer to please others rather than voice what we truly want. Or, if we did not receive consistent and secure emotional support as children, we might have developed these behaviors as a way to seek attention, love, or approval. This pattern may also have been learned from our surroundings—at school, among friends, from teachers, or other relatives. While there are many ways it could have developed, the core reason remains the same: we adopted this pattern out of fear of rejection and a desire for acceptance, connection, love, and validation.
We learned this pattern as children, and it became a habit. As adults, even though we know we have grown, it is still difficult to break free from it because doing so feels emotionally overwhelming. We often feel as if we will fall apart if we prioritize our own needs and put others’ demands second, so we unconsciously continue following the same pattern.
Can We Stop With People Pleasing?
People often say, “But that’s just who I am. I care about others. I am kind and considerate,” and insist that they don’t know how to behave differently. However, the truth is that they often don’t want to change because they rely on the emotional rewards—acceptance, love, visibility, etc. So, is it possible for a people pleaser to change and learn to put themselves first? The answer is—absolutely, yes!
With the help of a therapist, counselor, or whoever on this journey, we can learn new patterns, though the process is challenging and requires great effort. It involves delving into our emotional depths, understanding our vulnerabilities, healing, and building new, aligned boundaries. This process takes time, but as we increase our emotional capacity, our self-confidence and self-respect grow. The emotions we seek are important, but the way we obtain them is often unhealthy and self-destructive. Therapy can help us recognize this and find alternative, less harmful ways to feel accepted, loved, and valued.
How to Replace People Pleasing with Healthy Boundaries?
One of the most challenging aspects for me personally was the emotional response after setting boundaries—the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that surfaced when I stood up for myself. It felt endless, as if they would consume me. That’s when I realized how deeply ingrained this pattern was and how much kindness I needed to overcome it. What can we do on our own? We can work on self-awareness—understanding when we are going against ourselves to help others, recognizing what we seek from those we please, and identifying which needs we are trying to fulfill and which emotions we are trying to avoid.
We should ask ourselves: Who am I? What do I like or dislike? What bothers me, and what makes me happy? What kind of people do I want around me? If we start with small steps—practicing on minor situations and proving to ourselves that we can “survive” discomfort—we will gain the confidence to tackle bigger challenges. For example, before refusing an unreasonable request from your manager, start with something smaller: if you don’t feel like helping a friend shop for the tenth time, say no. If you don’t want to stay in a situation just because others pressure you, leave. When practicing boundaries with others, it’s also crucial not to make excuses for our choices, stop justifying ourselves, and refrain from compromising our limits. This step comes after mastering the basics but plays a significant role in overcoming the people-pleasing pattern.
Expressing our boundaries is not selfishness; it is assertiveness, and it is crucial for our mental health. If we don’t define what is best for us, someone else will do it instead. If you need support on this journey, feel free to contact me.